Official Household Proclamation
D
Decree Against Indoor Flatulation
Issued under the velvet-lined authority of the Ministry of Davlinski for the preservation of domestic dignity, candle flame stability, and breathable common rooms.
Decree No. 2311
Hear ye, inhabitants, guests, familiars, visiting knights, suspiciously quiet dogs, and all persons lingering near the sofa: by order of the Ministry of Davlinski, indoor flatulation is hereby declared a matter of grave atmospheric concern.
Whereas
The enclosed chamber is not a battlefield, the dining hall is not a swamp, and the sanctity of the living room shall not be challenged by unseen vapors of dubious origin.
Articles of Enforcement
- Any suspected emission shall be redirected with haste to the nearest outdoor realm, porch, battlement, or otherwise ventilated territory.
- The ancient defense of “it was the chair” shall be admissible only once per moon cycle and only with corroborating creakage.
- Silent but deadly enchantments are forbidden within twelve paces of blankets, elevators, and unsuspecting loved ones.
- Repeat offenders may be sentenced to candle-snuffing duty, window-opening service, or a formal apology delivered in a ridiculous accent.
- All grievances shall be filed with the Ministry in triplicate, preferably before anyone lights a match.
Let this decree stand until the rafters fall, the goblets tremble, or common courtesy is restored throughout the kingdom.